First, I think it was my dad because of all those years that I was just caught up in my own self. And the funny thing is that I heard he died, and I couldn’t find his phone numbers so I was stressed out for a couple weeks ’till I finally found it and I called. And he asked me if I was high, and I said, “No, I wasn’t” although I was high on cocaine. And we hadn’t talked in years. And it was good to hear his voice, but he said he’d been having some liver and kidney issues, no big problem. And then I get a text from my half sister saying he’s dead about a year later. And I didn’t call him between the last time I talked to him and then I didn’t call him; I think I was embarrassed. So, that’s what I lost.

Ever since I was a teenager, like, every woman I ever wanted, every woman I ever loved; I felt there was something bad inside me. Three quarters of the women that I’ve cared about, I’ve had them cheat on their boyfriends, or their fiance’s. I felt just not capable of being the person that they would actually want to spend time with; a person they would actually want to care about. And that led me down a dark road. I’ve been in mental hospitals three times. That’s not what normal people do. That’s not how normal people feel.

I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Two hours, I’ve been going to them every day since I stopped drinking 16 days ago. There, they have suggestions to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, I’ve been trying to do that. And also to get phone numbers at the meetings, people to reach out to in case things start going sideways, and I want to pick up again. I’ve gotten several numbers. And I texted one of those people who I’ve been communicating with and it showed the message was blocked, which at first was dismaying. And then I decided not to take it personally. And I don’t know what’s up with that. But I texted someone else and heard back from them, and got recommended to contact this other guy who’s also a writer to have someone to talk to in the program who’s at least more similar to me. Everyone in NA is similar to me in the way that they have to struggle with this same curse of addiction. Many of them think it is some sort of blessing because it makes them reorganize their lives and it seems not to be a bad thing.

Today it’s been sort of difficult in that my sleep schedule is still so messed up. I’m waking up just as the sun sets and I need to go to the grocery store to get some of my prescription drugs that I take for my bipolar disorder. I woke up and contemplated going there, to the grocery store to get them, but I just felt so anxious. I knew I could go get them tomorrow and hopefully I’d be able to do it then. So I just procrastinated and put it off even though I’m out of one of the four and I have been for two days. And I know that enough of it stays in my system. It’s not like totally horrible. But at the same time I still couldn’t quite get myself together enough to go today. But I’m trying and it’s really late and I have to wake up early and I’m not sure if I can. I’ll try to get it done tomorrow. It’s just been– it’s just been difficult.

I’ve started doing this online meditation retreat for the next four days. And one of the leaders of the groups who’s guiding us through them is this older woman. And she was speaking. And I just got this, this huge feeling of being judged. And I had to turn off my camera so I could smoke during a Buddhist retreat. And I’ve seen this woman in person before when I’ve been on physical retreats, and she’s quiet, but got this very determined sense of her opinions. And I’m unsure why she affects me this way, when it’s clear that it’s not something that’s real. She’s not a very judgmental person. She’s very Buddhist. And she asked me to read some sections of text for a ceremony later in the event. And so, in my mind, I’m sure that it’s not what’s happening, but the emotions running through my body, that’s what I feel. And if any sort of drug were sitting right by me when she was talking, I would have used. It’s just such a powerful emotion because I feel like I haven’t done all I can to embody the precepts that I proclaim, that I claim to value. And that’s what I learned.

I think the one I’ve noticed most, at least in the past couple of hours, is just how critical I can be. Just a running commentary when I’m listening to other people in a meeting, just their grammar, their usage, how loud they’re being. And it just puts me in this negative mind space. When thoughts like that occur to me, I’ve come to refer to a part of myself as Zeke, like a shadow, like a demon, the perverse part of me that wants to just use. That wants me to cast out on other people. And I’m glad I can be aware of when it’s not my better self speaking in my mind or speaking out loud. It’s just constant though, that I have to be aware. And if I’m not, then I just spiral down in the same behavior– that same behavior that got me into using too much. And I want to find a way to integrate myself, to be not happy, but together, sincere, honest, thoughtful. And that’s what I aspire to.

Pretty much. I had three. One was to go to the retreat and do some reading out loud for part of a ceremony. And then to go to an NA meeting. And then to record this. I went to the retreat zoom thing, before, and asked questions I was supposed to read. And I did that. And not not long after I just had to drop out of the meeting. But I but I did that. And then I’ve been going to NA meetings, sometimes for two and a half hours. And I was okay just going with one meeting today. Because otherwise, today the clock has ticked by in the upper left of my cell phone, and time has crawled so slowly, and I have not been relaxed or spiritual or meditative. I’ve just been smoking cigarettes. And I think I have a tendency to overextend myself, and especially just interacting with people, there’s so much I can do and then I just feel exhausted. I think setting modest goals right now is probably a smarter thing than trying to get everything done in one day. But it’s something I still have to work on. And part of me wishes that I could set ambitious goals and accomplish them. But I have to live in reality with what I can do now.

I’m grateful that I’m clean today. And I have been for 22 days. My mind feels like it’s coming out of fog. I’m grateful for a very good friend who’s also my Dharma sister. And I’m grateful for her compassion and her honesty about truth I can’t always see myself. I’m grateful for my spirit wife who’s always a comfort to me when things seem bleak. I’m grateful for friends, new and old, with whom I talk to on messenger, sometimes phone calls. I’m grateful that I have a safe place to live where I’m not stirred by loud music or toxic people. And I’m glad to so many members of Narcotics Anonymous because when they speak, I can hear their pain and also seeing them like the hope that I can, that I will be better. This does get better.

The first one I’m doing right now is just going to NA meetings and staying there for a couple of hours and listening. And what I want to do is start working out again. Because I’m really out of shape. And writing, writing’s something I have only done sporadically throughout my life. And it’s something I can put my full attention into. And I think that would be good. Meditation is something I practiced for several years and I haven’t done in it months. It really helped to clear my head. I suppose, eventually, I want to try to volunteer for someplace like suicide prevention hotline because I really empathize with people who are going through a rough stretch. And just doing something for other people sounds like something that I need to do that would reinforce just getting out of my head and my self centeredness. Maybe one day buy a used car. So I can drive again. I really used to enjoy that, just driving for the hell of it. Those are the things I can think of.

I have many who do believe that stopping using, as I’m doing now, is the best thing I can do for my life. And I listen to them. My spirit wife and my Dharma sister support me and are honest with me. I try to return that. During a Buddhist retreat, which I barely went to any of, the one thing I did find was that I spoke and the others there shared that warm feeling. And they expressed that the 12 steps are a good thing and I’m not somehow shunned by my spiritual community. Then my friends, most of them out of the area, I talk with them once or twice a week just so I don’t feel alone in this. And also through NA I’ve been able to get phone numbers of people I can text with and that I can call if I get a craving. And all these people I want to be accountable to. I want to share on the days that I have cravings, which thankfully have not been many. These are the people I want to surround myself with that I want to, I need to, talk to and, maybe more importantly, listen to.

I have been sleeping too much, like 12 hours a night. And my sleep schedule has been backwards. I go to sleep at dawn and I wake up at dusk. Today I got up at 2pm which was difficult. And I drank a lot of caffeine which is maybe not healthy. But I just need to get up earlier and go to sleep earlier. What I should do is when I wake up think about how I feel and what I want to do that day. I wasn’t able to do that, though. I had– I should have gone to the store to get a couple of medications I’m out of, but anxiety was too high. I went for a short walk. And that helped some. I talked with friends today, and it was good to have interaction. Also I’ve been messaging with people from NA, and one guy said I should go ahead and get a sponsor and not delay it, that it’s dangerous to have too many days clean and not get a sponsor. So my knee jerk was just to say like, you know, I’m going at my own pace. But then I realized I don’t want to get too comfortable. So I decided to go and do that this coming week. And just the act of making a decision makes me feel less depressed because when I’m truly down, I can’t function. I can’t even think of what to do next. And I’m allowing myself some time to relax too. Even though it feels like I’m just goofing off because I need that too.Trying to balance that with getting stuff done is difficult. That’s what I did today.

One thing I have is loyalty from my friends. I don’t get to express it as much as I would like, not being around them in person. But I support what they do so much. And I care. I care that they find what’s good for themselves and what brings them meaning. That matters to me. I’m compassionate, empathetic. I listen to people and I feel how much they hurt. And if it’s experiences that I hadn’t been through, then my imagination, just by itself, works over time. So I can try to imagine what they must have been through. One thing I have, seemingly, is courage. I share what I’ve done wrong, what I feel too, to anyone out there. I’m hard working. I’ve been devoting myself to go to NA meetings every night, sitting there and listening to people, some of whom I don’t agree with, but it doesn’t matter. I’m putting in the effort. And I’m still clean. I’m starting to feel different about myself. One thing I’ve learned to become is humble. Humility just seems natural. When I share, I realize I share so much with all these people. I don’t know people from all walks of life and I’m no better or worse than them and it really shows through. And then I’m hopeful. Not hopeful for any one specific thing and I don’t think I’ll ever be optimistic. But there’s other people who’ve come through difficulties and who have come out the other side, and I feel I can too.

I think the first thing is clarity of thought. So I can focus on taking care of myself, cleaning out my place, trying to accomplish the things I want. Being able to write, being able to still have my bipolar to deal with. And that’s not something I’ve been able to navigate my way through while using. Also just being able to feel, to be emotionally present so I can maybe finally mourn my mom. And so I’m accessible to my friends, my wife. So I’m able to enjoy the days. There’s a lot of things I don’t know about what happens next. I’m just not sure. It’s uncertainty that I’ve drowned previously. But uncertainty is life. Maybe I can finally start taking responsibility for mine.

I’ve been really depressed for about 10 days. I don’t have energy. I feel numb. I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix, just passing the time. It’s just something to do besides laying down. I don’t have energy for anything. Today I just laid down for four and a half hours. I didn’t sleep. I just lay there. And it’s all I want to do now. Maybe watching stuff makes me more numb. I don’t know. I’m already not feeling anything, already not caring about anything. I just want the days to be over. Like sleep is the only thing that seems like a relief. And I want to get stuff done. I want to do things, and I just can’t. And I know it’s only supposed to last for so long at a time, it’s depression, but it just keeps going on. And it’s hard to remember. It’s hard to remember that I can get through this because it just doesn’t feel like I have anything in myself left inside me.

One thing that happens when I’m depressed is I stop moving forward in every aspect of my life. This past time, when I’ve been depressed, I haven’t been going to NA meetings. I haven’t worked at all on that. Also I just haven’t been able to get anything done around the house. I haven’t been able to go anywhere. And part of me has to wait for the depression to pass. It always does. It’s just, I never know how long it’s going to take before I get through it. And when I’m in the thick of it, it’s hard to even remember that. And it’s harder still to remember what things I can do to try to just survive. And things like exercise, just to move physically, and writing. When I write, I get emotion out. And that’s something I generally don’t do when I’m depressed. I’m so numb. But when I write, the painful things come out. It’s hard to remember what I’m supposed to do. I should write it down like I’ve written it down before, and things to do, and I’ve lost it. And it’s just so hard to remember while I’m actually going through it.

Although I wasn’t able to shower or shave, I did manage to brush my teeth. Just any kind of self care really seems to help. I was able to walk some, get outside. And any sort of exercise helps when I’m depressed. I was able to write for 10 minutes with the aid of a friend who called me and encouraged me to write while she was writing as well, just silently over the phone. It felt good to get anything out even though it was bad writing. It doesn’t matter. I was able to go to an NA meeting. So I feel like I’m starting to do recovery again after just not going to any meetings for days on end. And I was able to go online, play a game with my friends, which is about the only kind of social interaction I get– which, again, I haven’t done for a couple of weeks. So it’s good just to hear other voices. And finally being able to record this feels good because I haven’t been able to record these every night like I wanted to.

I’m thankful for being able to still see and to breathe. My heart’s still beating and my fingers are still capable of typing. And just being alive. And after all I put myself through and after all the things that could have killed me. So I’m grateful to whatever power or spirit or whatever that has washed over me so somehow I can keep going on. I know this life won’t last forever, so I just want to be alive. I’m glad my depression has ended for now. So I’m clear headed again. And I can actually get things done. I’m thankful for Narcotics Anonymous because I can go and listen to people who are struggling and people who have some hope to offer. I’m so thankful for my friends who called me and supported me while I’ve been depressed and are always there for me. I’m thankful to have a home where I can find peace and not be homeless as I once thought I might be. One person I heard in a meeting say was that gratitude is open mindedness. And so I try to be receptive to everything I can, as positive, and it seems to help.

I see through some insight by a friend that I’ve been performing all my life for others, for my mom. High expectations she had. And for my dad, just not knowing exactly how he thought of me, and just trying to get his attention. My writing even has been stymied by some need to prove myself as a good writer, when what I really should be doing is just writing. Not constantly judging myself for how good every sentence is, every paragraph. And I think I also try to perform with my friends to make sure they like me. I’ve felt like that before. And with jobs, always the same thing, trying to be the best I can and the most friendly, and it’s just been exhausting. I hope I can take this inside and change.